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Picture this: you head out to a romantic dinner with your spouse. You’re sitting face to face at your favorite restaurant, so thankful to be out of the house and away from distractions. You stare into each others eyes, and you chat about the day, about the mess the kids made, about your husband’s annoying coworker. Then 10 minutes later, you sit there, wondering what to talk about.

It seems that you’ve lost that connection with your spouse that you had when you were dating.

You’re so happy to be on a date, yet neither of you can think of what to discuss. So instead, you share the same stories, tell the same jokes, and perhaps try to figure out what movie you’re going to go see.

Maybe this has never happened to you. But I think many of us have been there. We want to go deeper – to discuss our heart’s desires, perhaps like we did when we were dating – but we’re not really sure where to start. I mean, we’re supposed to know our spouse after 10 or 20 years of marriage, right?

It takes time and effort to improve communication and connection with your spouse.

Just like any relationship, if we neglect being vulnerable – sharing deeper than just surface stuff – then the relationship can grow apart. Sure we may be married and living under the same roof – but is the connection really there?

Do we feel like our spouse is the person we want to turn to when challenges come up, or when something great happens that day? If not, then it may be time to make regular, intentional communication a part of our routine.

[bctt tweet=”It takes time and effort to improve communication and connection with your spouse.”]

The problem is, sometimes we struggle with knowing what to talk about. You know you want to improve the communication, but you’re stuck on where to start. Wouldn’t it be nice if you knew exactly what to talk about during those times? If you’ve ever struggled to have meaningful conversation, here are a few simple tools to help you get started on deepening your connection with your spouse.

1. Prepare questions ahead of time.

Take a stack of 4×6 note cards and each take 5. You can both write down 5 questions that you would want to ask your spouse. Sometimes, for some reason, I find it difficult to bring up certain topics with my husband on the spot.

But I often think of questions at times when we are not together. By taking a few minutes (or a few days) to think of the questions and write them down, I find it easier to have the conversation when we do have the time.

If you do this, don’t forget to take the stack of cards with you on your next date, and choose a couple randomly from the stack to discuss. Or, you can each look at your partner’s stack and choose one of their 5.

Tip: Make sure to bring up these questions when you actually have some time to talk. It’s probably best not to do it late at night, especially if you want to have meaningful discussion – unless you both are night owls.

2. Play the Mini Love Map Game.

Whether you’ve been married for 5 months or 50 years, there’s always opportunity for getting to know one another more. Tony and Michelle over at the #staymarried blog talk about remaining curious about your spouse. Don’t assume that you know everything about him just because you’ve been together for so long.

Couples who continually stay open to learning more about their spouse are likely to have a stronger relationship – they are seeking to know and understand their spouse as they both develop and change over the years. The Mini Love Map Game provides a fun and easy way to learn a little more about your spouse, along with a little bit of healthy competition.

3. Pillow Talk Printables.

If you want to have a fun, quick discussion in the evening, the Pillow Talk Printables from Dating Divas are a perfect solution. These are questions that are mostly on the “lighter” side, so you can likely have a brief discussion about them without needing a huge amount of time or emotional energy.

These questions would also be perfect for dinnertime conversation with the entire family. Most of the questions would be appropriate for asking children as well – you can just review them ahead of time to make sure before you pull them out at dinner time!

Instead of just asking everyone, “How was your day?” every night, you could each pull out 1 question and ask it to the family. This would likely lead to some fun conversations that you may not have thought of before.

4. Connect Like You Did When You First Met: 101 Proven Questions for Couples.*

If you want to ensure that you deepen your connection with your spouse, I recommend this resource. Tony & Alisa over at ONE Extraordinary Marriage have a podcast full of tons of great marriage tips and tools. They also put together this great ebook with over 100 questions that you and your spouse can discuss.

 {What I Like}

First of all, it’s full of helpful information about communication in general. I really enjoyed reading over the tips that Tony & Alisa provided, and they brought up some suggestions that I had not considered. They provide some basic ground rules for communication which can benefit all of us.

Secondly, I love the extensive list of questions. These questions are intended to help you revive your connection with your spouse. There are 101, but Tony & Alisa suggest that you just do one question at time. The point is quality conversation, not quantity. Rather than trying to cover 4 or 5 questions, just choose one at a time.

The questions cover a wide range of topics including dreams, dating one another, kids, financial issues, sex, and much more. In addition, there are some bonus questions at the end which will provide with even more things to discuss.

{One Caveat}

The questions in Connect Like You Did When You First Met are questions that will require you and your spouse to be vulnerable. If you want to get any real value out of the conversation, you’ll have to be open and honest. These are not surface or “fun” questions (at least not all of them), like perhaps some of the other resources I’ve mentioned. The questions are meant to help you deepen your connection, so it may be a good idea to have a “pre-discussion” with your spouse and commit to each other to answer the questions as openly and honestly as possible.

{My Experience}

I decided to test out one of the questions when my husband and I went on a date recently. I asked him the first question, which is: “What can I do to communicate my love an appreciation to you?”

Even though I had just written about appreciation, and I feel like I’m pretty confident in what my husband’s love language is, it was still great to hear a specific suggestion from him. Plus, it was nice when he asked me the same question, and I had the chance to give him an idea of something that would make me feel loved & appreciated as well.

I am looking forward to continuing to go through the questions with my husband.
If you are looking for a way to improve your communication and connection, I highly recommend checking out this resource!

So, are you ready to start improving the connection with your spouse?

Are you tired of hearing the same stories on date night? Are you desiring deeper communication? Choose one of the 4 ideas above and use it within the coming week! Comment below and let me know which idea you are going to try and why!

*Thank you to Tony & Alisa for providing me with a free copy of the ebook “Connect Like You Did When You First Met”. I agreed to review this book in exchange for the free copy. All opinions are my own. Purchases made through the links for “Connect Like You Did…” will result in a commission to me.